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Kendall, Carlos and Logan all stood at the same time, waiting silently and trying not to throw up as James finally reached them.

No one spoke for a moment, as if to put off the words they knew were coming but they didn't want to hear.

But to Logan, three months had seemed like forever in his eyes. And then as the day progressed, it was like someone was pouring salt and lemon juice and everything that made the pain worse all over his open wounds, laughing as they did so. Calling out to whoever was still home that he was going out, Logan left the house with a plan on his mind. Logan opened his tired eyes on the morning of James' twenty-first birthday to find that he was alone, the birthday boy nowhere in sight.

To him, it had been too long he had been sleeping alone, staring at the empty place next to his on the bed every night. He felt the corners of his mouth turn downwards almost involuntarily, the empty space where James should be bothering him more than it should.

And even if it wasn't good, he would take anything but lymphoma. He felt even more queasy just being in the hospital.

If something had to be wrong, Logan hoped James had the swine flu, or pneumonia, or even some sort of weird viral infection that would turn James yellow for several weeks. The white walls were something he had grown too accustomed to.

But if you've read that story, then you know this one will be horribly sad, though this one turns out more…honderfully (horrible and wonderful).

To make things less confusing, I'll let you know now that this goes back and forth between past and present. There are two scenes that have dots in between them and that means they're on the same day. DISCLAIMER: I don't own Big Time Rush or any characters affiliated with the show. As he sat in the waiting room with Kendall and Carlos, he didn't know if his fear was rational or not.

But past fears had resurfaced when his boyfriend began feeling under the weather around a week ago. Just because James was feeling sick didn't mean the disease that had threatened James' life and their relationship was back to haunt them again.

So turn on the Big Time Rush album because otherwise you'll cry. James being a former cancer patient, Logan had come to expect the worst from visits to the hospital.

But not all of his experiences in the hospital had been horrible.

Logan was sure that by now all of the rest of his organs had fallen out and now lay strewn across the floor among his heart. That if you just wait a little while, the pain won't be as bad anymore and you'll be okay. Though he had no idea when the exact time had been, and he couldn't decide whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.

"But now it's worse."Now Logan was sure he could feel his bones deteriorating beneath his skin."Worse? He knew he would be obsessing over that time for the rest of his life and he it would make his heart hurt every time he looked at the clock and than three months. Instead of them healing and getting better, finally scabbing over and just becoming scars and memories of a more difficult time, Logan felt like his wounds were reopened every day. He had always had a high tolerance for pain but this was nearly unbearable.

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  1. (doi: (The full text of this publication is not currently available from this repository. (doi: (The full text of this publication is not currently available from this repository. You may be able to access a copy if URLs are provided) New Journal of Physics, 12 (8). You may be able to access a copy if URLs are provided) Chemical Communications, 46 (14). (doi: (The full text of this publication is not currently available from this repository.